OK, I’ve tried to keep this quiet up till now, but can’t hold out any longer.
My source absolutely swears this is true.
You know how last week, University of Connecticut president Susan Herbst said, “Geography no longer matters in college football.”
Then, like, was it yesterday — West Virginia joined, or maybe wanted to join, or thought it joined its natural allies by becoming the Xth member of the Big XII.
Well, here goes. The real plan, the one everyone’s keeping under wraps, is to create the (wait for it)….
SuperDuper MegaMax Conference America/USA/Galaxy/Universe.
The Big 76, for short.
My source can’t be named because he/she/it is not authorized to comment on anything outside of his/her/its department at Target.
But don’t worry, this is really happening.
Seventy-six teams in one conference — horseradish, you say? Wait a minute, my cynical friend, this thing actually makes some sense.
Here’s how it’ll work…
There will be nine divisions of eight teams each. (Well, actually, one division has 12 teams, but you’ll see why).
For an eight-game conference schedule, each school will play one game per season — selected at random by a computer in Opalocka, Florida — against one team from each of the other eight divisions.
No games against your own division’s teams?
Well, no, not every year. But every ninth year, after completing the round-robin against the other divisions, you get to play the other seven teams in your division, plus one at-large opponent who must be at least five states away.
Of course, the greatest news is that this all sets up perfectly for what everyone has always wanted — a true, settle-it-on-the-field college football playoff!
It’s simple.
The top 52 teams automatically make the round of 64; with 24 schools competing for the final 12 spots.
Games continue Saturday after Saturday, as the field is pared to 64, then 32, then 16, 8, 4, and finally — the National Championship Game, approximately March 1.
Don’t you see, it flows seamlessly into March Madness. And the champion (assuming it comes from the top 52 schools) must only win six playoff games to claim the title.
OK, I know you’re all on board with this, and can’t wait to see which division (don’t you dare call them conferences — there’s only the SDMMCA/USA/G/U) your favorite school will end up in.
So here they are….
Brainiacs Division
All of these schools rank in the top 25 of U.S. News’ rankings of leading national universities. In fairness, so does Cal and USC, but they were placed elsewhere, as you’ll see…and no doubt agree.
Duke
Northwestern
Notre Dame
Rice
Stanford
UCLA
Vanderbilt
Virginia
That-Smell-is-Manure Division
All of these rank in the top 15 of leading Biological / Agricultural Undergraduate Colleges and Universities in 2010, from uscollegeranking.org. Here, Bessie….
Illinois
Iowa State
Michigan State
Nebraska
North Carolina State
Purdue
Texas A&M
Virginia Tech
Cool Schools Division
Admit it, knowing what you know now, don’t you wish you had gone to school in Madison, Boulder, Berkeley, Austin or one of these other cool locations? Awesome, dude.
Arizona State
California
Colorado
Florida
Michigan
Oregon
Texas
Wisconsin
God and Country Division
You got your Baptists and Catholics, your Methodists and Mormons, and some fightin’ men and women. Now let’s play some gol-dang football.
Air Force
Army
Baylor
Boston College
Brigham Young
Navy
Southern Methodist
Texas Christian
Miscreant Division
Each of these schools is currently, has been or should be under investigation by the NCAA for various misdeeds. 12 teams are in this division, the powers-that-be hoping that in any given year, 8 might be eligible for the playoffs. A six-team limit of former SEC schools was placed on this grouping.
Alabama
Auburn
Boise State
Florida State
LSU
North Carolina
Ohio State
Oklahoma
Ole Miss
South Carolina
Tennessee
Southern Cal
Roundball Division
These schools are much more likely to show up in the Elite Eight of hoops than the fantastic new ExtraSuperCool Eight of the college football playoff tourney.
Arizona
Connecticut
Indiana
Kansas
Louisville
Kentucky
Syracuse
Wake Forest
Cant-Get-There-From-Here Division
This is where it really gets fun, as grade-school students from all across the country follow along in a special online Geography unit, seeing how teams travel cross-country for days to arrive at destinations such as Lubbock, TX, State College, PA or Pullman, WA.
Iowa
Kansas State
Mississippi State
Oklahoma State
Penn State
Texas Tech
Washington State
West Virginia
NFL Double-header Division
Going to see the Dolphins, Vikings, Seahawks or five other NFL teams? See if you can check out the local college eleven as part of your weekend. Tickets are usually not a problem.
Cincinnati
Georgia Tech
Houston
Miami
Minnesota
Pittsburgh
South Florida
Washington
Nothing-in-Common Division
It was a very long day when the highly-secret Gang of Several put together and named these divisions (Nobody from the B10G or whatever it’s called was allowed in the room). They could find nothing similar, or remotely clever, about these eight leftov — er rather, remaining, teams.
Arkansas
Clemson
Georgia
Maryland
Missouri
Oregon State
Rutgers
Utah
So there you have itÿ. Remember, you read it here first.
Sorry, gotta go. My source is headed to the Witness Protection Program and needs a lift.
Something about not having his/her/its license yet.
